Gaslighting is like the assassin bug of emotional manipulation—quiet, stealthy, and unexpectedly dangerous. Just like the bug carries debris on its back to camouflage itself, gaslighting is a tool people use to cloak their intentions and twist reality. It’s a subtle form of psychological manipulation that can leave you questioning your sanity. Identifying these tactics is crucial to maintaining your emotional well-being and reclaiming your sense of self. Here are 13 ways people gaslight each other, unraveling the tactics so you can spot them when they rear their ugly heads.
1. Denying The Obvious
One of the most common forms of gaslighting is the flat-out denial of something you know to be true. You might bring up a specific event, and they’ll insist it never happened, leaving you questioning your memory. For instance, you remind them of a promise they made, and they look at you like you’re crazy for even suggesting it. This tactic is effective because it makes you second-guess your perceptions and experiences. According to Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, gaslighting often leaves the victim feeling ‘off-balance’ and confused, which can be deeply unsettling.
Then there’s the aspect of repetition, where they deny something over and over until you’re worn down. It becomes easier to question your own mind than to continuously argue with someone who seems so sure of themselves. This wears away at your confidence, causing you to doubt your own reality. Over time, you might even start to rely on their version of events as the truth. The erosion of self-trust is the gaslighter’s ultimate goal, and denying the obvious is a powerful way to achieve it.
2. Shifting The Blame
A classic gaslighting move is to shift the blame in any given situation. You could be discussing how they were late to an important meeting, and suddenly the conversation flips to how your expectations are too high. By redirecting the focus, they avoid accountability and make you feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault. This tactic thrives on your insecurities, making you more susceptible to accepting blame that isn’t yours. It’s a quick way to change the narrative and places the onus back on you.
The blame-shifting usually comes with a side of emotional manipulation. They may accuse you of being too sensitive or overreacting, further complicating your emotions. This tactic leaves you feeling responsible for their actions, making you question your own feelings. It’s designed to make you feel inadequate, as if your concerns are invalid. This kind of manipulation erodes your self-worth over time, making it an effective gaslighting tool.
3. Involving Others In Disputes
Triangulation involves pulling a third party into your disputes, either to validate their point or to create division. They’ll say things like, “Even [so-and-so] agrees with me,” to make you feel like you’re alone in your perspective. This is not just a one-on-one game anymore; it becomes you against the world. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, this tactic is effective because it creates a distorted social reality that isolates you.
Beyond isolating you, triangulation also serves to diminish your trust in others. You start wondering if people are talking about you behind your back, and whether your feelings are valid at all. It plants seeds of doubt not just in the relationship, but in your social circle, too. This tactic can lead to self-imposed isolation, as you start to withdraw to protect yourself. It’s a cruel way of ensuring you feel trapped and alone.
4. Minimizing Feelings
Minimizing how you feel is another subtle yet impactful gaslighting tactic. You might express hurt or anger, only to be told that you’re “overreacting” or “being too dramatic.” This serves to invalidate your emotional experience, making you question whether your feelings are justified. Over time, you might start questioning whether any of your emotions are valid at all. It’s an insidious way to make you feel small and irrelevant.
When your feelings are consistently minimized, it also discourages open communication. You learn to suppress your emotions because you anticipate dismissal or ridicule. This not only damages the relationship but also affects your mental health. Suppressing emotions can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. The minimization of feelings is a slow but effective way of eroding your emotional identity.
5. Rewriting History
Rewriting history is a more elaborate form of denial where they change the narrative of past events. You might recall a situation one way, while they twist details to fit their version of reality. It’s not just about saying something didn’t happen; it’s about altering the facts to make you question your own recollection. A study by Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, a leading expert in memory, shows that people’s memories can be quite malleable, making this tactic especially potent.
This tactic works because it erodes your trust in your memory over time. If they can convince you that you’re remembering things incorrectly, they gain more control over the narrative. It’s a sneaky way to ensure that their perspective is the dominant one, leaving you confused and unsure. It creates a sense of instability in your mind, making you more reliant on them for a sense of reality. This is why rewriting history is such a dangerous form of gaslighting.
6. Forging Allies
Another manipulative tactic is rallying others to their side, making you feel outnumbered and isolated. They might bring friends or family into the fold, using them as backup to validate their viewpoint. This not only makes you feel alone but also questions your perception of the relationship itself. You start to wonder if you’re the unreasonable one, as everyone else seems to be in agreement with the gaslighter. It becomes a numbers game, stacking the odds against you.
The use of allies is particularly cunning because it leverages your social connections against you. These people might not even realize they’re being used as pawns in a game of manipulation. The social pressure can be overwhelming, making it easier to relent and accept their version of reality. This tactic can extend to social media, where public perception adds another layer of pressure. You’re fighting against a tide, making it extremely challenging to stand your ground.
7. Playing The Victim
Gaslighters are experts at flipping the script to make themselves the victim, which can be incredibly disorienting for you. You might bring up a valid concern, only to find the conversation turned against you, as they portray themselves as the aggrieved party. This tactic makes you feel guilty for even bringing up the issue in the first place. According to Dr. Michael Samsel, a psychologist specializing in emotional abuse, this technique is particularly effective because it taps into your empathy.
What’s more, playing the victim can garner sympathy from others, further isolating you. It turns the narrative into a “poor them” scenario, making you seem like the aggressor. This tactic not only deflects responsibility but also manipulates your emotions, making you question whether you’re being too harsh. It’s a sophisticated way to avoid accountability while turning the tables on you. Over time, this can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid to express any concern.
8. Gaslighting By Proxy
Gaslighting by proxy involves enlisting others to do the gaslighting for them. They might tell your mutual friends or family members that you’re “losing it” or “too sensitive,” and then let those people reinforce that perception. This tactic is insidious because it makes you question your sanity, as you hear the same things from multiple sources. The added layer of other voices makes the gaslighting more believable. It’s not just one person; it feels like the world is against you.
Moreover, gaslighting by proxy can extend to professional settings, where co-workers may be used to reinforce the narrative. You might find yourself ostracized at work, feeling misunderstood and unsupported. This kind of manipulation is difficult to combat because it’s not a direct attack. Instead, it’s a web of deceit designed to make you doubt your own experiences. It effectively turns your social and professional circles into minefields of doubt and insecurity.
9. Using Veiled “Compassionate” Language
Sometimes, gaslighting comes veiled in compassionate language, making it difficult to identify. They might say things like, “I’m only telling you this for your own good,” while simultaneously undermining you. The use of caring words makes their criticism seem less harsh and more palatable. You start to doubt your negative feelings toward them because their words seem so well-intentioned. The juxtaposition of kind language and harmful intent is what makes this tactic so effective.
This tactic can make you feel grateful to them for “helping” you, even as they manipulate you. You might think, “Maybe they have a point,” as you question your actions and decisions. This strategy plays on your desire for personal growth and improvement, making it harder to recognize as gaslighting. Over time, it can consolidate their control over you, as you start to rely on their opinions more than your own. It hides the manipulation behind a facade of concern, making it particularly difficult to detect.
10. Giving Contradicting Information
Another form of gaslighting involves giving you contradicting information to keep you off balance. One day, they might support a decision you’ve made, and the next, they’ll criticize you for it. This inconsistency keeps you constantly guessing and doubting your own judgment. You can never be sure where they stand, and this ambiguity becomes a tool for manipulation. It creates a sense of instability that leaves you reliant on their ever-changing perspective.
With time, this constant state of flux erodes your confidence in your own decisions. You start deferring to them for guidance, as their contradictory opinions make you feel unsure. This tactic keeps you perpetually on edge, making it easier for them to control the narrative. The goal is to keep you off-balance, requiring their input to make any decision. It’s a clever way to maintain control without outright confrontation.
11. Weaponizing Insecurities
Gaslighters are adept at identifying and weaponizing your insecurities against you. They might bring up past mistakes or flaws to undermine your confidence in a given situation. This tactic is particularly effective because it taps into your deepest fears and doubts. By exploiting these vulnerabilities, they make it harder for you to stand firm in your beliefs and perceptions. It’s a skillful form of emotional manipulation designed to destabilize you.
Once they know what makes you insecure, they use it as a lever to gain control over the relationship. They might remind you of a failed project or past relationship whenever you try to assert yourself. This not only keeps you in a state of self-doubt but also makes you more dependent on their validation. Over time, you might even start viewing them as the only person who “truly understands” you, despite the manipulation. It’s a dangerous cycle that reinforces their control over your emotional landscape.
12. Feigning Ignorance
Feigned ignorance is a gaslighting tactic where they pretend not to understand what you’re saying to frustrate your efforts to communicate. You might express a concern or a boundary, only for them to act as if it’s too complicated or confusing to grasp. This makes you question whether you’re communicating effectively or if your expectations are too high. The goal is to make you feel like you’re asking for something unreasonable. It’s a clever way to dodge responsibility while making you feel like the problem is with you.
Moreover, feigned ignorance can make you feel isolated, as they act as though your needs or concerns are too complex to accommodate. You start feeling like you’re speaking a different language, even though your requests are perfectly reasonable. This tactic is particularly damaging because it invalidates your attempts at open communication and problem-solving. It places the burden on you to make yourself understood when the real issue is their refusal to engage. Over time, this can erode your confidence in your ability to express yourself clearly.
13. Giving The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a classic form of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. By withdrawing communication, they create an environment of uncertainty and anxiety. You’re left wondering what you did wrong, scanning your past actions for any misstep. This silence serves to punish and destabilize you, making you more willing to concede in future disagreements. It’s a way of exerting control while appearing passive.
The silent treatment is effective because it plays on your need for resolution and understanding. You might find yourself apologizing just to break the silence, even if you did nothing wrong. This manipulation adds emotional strain, as you constantly tiptoe around potential triggers. Over time, you learn to avoid confrontation, which gives them even more control. The tactic is designed to isolate and confuse, leaving you more dependent on their approval.